Al Tinsel: Mísseis contra árvores de natal.

dezembro 21, 2010 § Deixe um comentário

THE SLEAZY, 21-12-2010


turning its own most potent symbol against it,” declares self-proclaimed
al-Qaeda operative Marek El Luny in his latest You Tube video, as he proudly
demonstrates his latest weapon in his glorious fight against Western secular
decadence – missiles disguised as Christmas trees. “When the evil orgy known as
the Christmas shopping season is at its height, we shall start firing these
projectiles from our secret launch sites – all cunningly disguised as shabby
roadside Christmas tree sales yards – into crowded shopping centres. Their
deadly payloads of explosive decorative balls will cause carnage!” With this, El
Luny – dubbed `The Tinsel Terrorist’ by the press – prepares to launch one of
his missiles, apparently from his back garden, lighting the fuse with a long
taper made from a rolled up newspaper, before running and taking cover behind a
dustbin. Rising into the air on a tail of fire, the missile quickly begins to
topple, barely clearing El Luny’s fence, before crashing into his neighbour’s
garden shed and exploding. A jubilant El Luny gleefully declares the
demonstration a success, before being forced to hide in the coal bunker from his
irate neighbour. Although many experts have dismissed El Luny’s claims as
ludicrous, pointing out that his infernal devices appear to be little more than
actual fir trees with firework rockets strapped to them, rendering them
completely ineffective, his video has caused consternation amongst Britain’s
security forces. “It’s a fiendishly brilliant idea – he can import these devices
and transport them all over the country with complete impunity,” says Professor
Eddie Backwind, an advisor to the government’s National Security Council. “I
mean, who is ever going to suspect a Christmas tree of being a weapon of mass
destruction? This man is clearly an evil genius who must be stopped at all
costs!” Already, on Backwind’s advice, teams of crack SAS troops have been sent
out with orders to destroy all suspicious-looking festive trees. “It isn’t just
the threat from missile attacks we’re worried about,” reveals Backwind. “There’s
every chance that El Luny and his cohorts have been selling these infernal
tree-shaped devices to unsuspecting members of the public as regular Christmas
trees, timed to detonate on Christmas day!. Just imagine the horrific scenes as
families gather in their living rooms to open the presents stacked under their
trees and are instead blown to bits!”

With police and security services having so far failed to locate the terror
mastermind El Luny – despite both his You Tube channel and his Facebook page
giving his location as Bradford – Backwind believes that the UK’s terror alert
status urgently needs to be upgraded. “Even if we foil this madman’s Christmas
tree missile attacks, it is becoming increasingly clear that the festive season
presents a prime target for terror attacks,” the terror expert opines. “For a
start, it’s this country’s main Christian religious festive – what
self-respecting crazy Islamic fundamentalist terrorist wouldn’t want to disrupt
that? Not only that, but it positively encourages large gatherings of people in
shopping centres, carol services and school nativity plays – all affording
numerous opportunities for deadly terror attacks!” Indeed, so alarmed by the
prospect of Yuletide terror attacks, the academic has even advised Prime
Minister David Cameron that he should consider postponing, or even cancelling,
this year’s Christmas festivities. “Frankly, I’m appalled at this country’s lack
of awareness of the dangers posed by many festive activities,” says Backwind. “.
Take that Santa Claus, for instance – doesn’t he provide the perfect cover for
suicide bombers? I mean, a heavily disguised man with a huge beard obscuring his
face and carrying a huge – possibly explosive-laden – sack, who everyone
immediately trusts, and whose presence in crowded shopping centres and public
places nobody questions? Not to mention the fact that he apparently has access
to everyone’s house, leaving suspect parcels under their trees!” Consequently,
Backwind has persuaded the Home Office to have police issue a warning to the
public to report any unexpected presents they receive as possible bombs. “I’m
also hoping to introduce a Home Office scheme to produce a centralised register
of Santas in time for next Christmas,” says Backwind. “That, along with new
police powers to stop and search Santas on sight, should significantly reduce
the threat posed by jihadist Santas.”

But Santa Claus isn’t the only Christmas tradition that Backwind fears could be
perverted to terrorist ends. “I’m very much afraid that we will have to place a
blanket ban upon carol singers,” he says. “It’s quite obvious that they are a
perfect cover for gangs of roving assassins –they could just knock on their
target’s door and, as they stand there entranced by a couple of choruses of
`Good King Wenceslas’, let them have it in the heart with an icicle snapped from
the target’s own guttering. It would be the perfect hit – there’d be no weapon
once there’d been a thaw! Then again, they could just blow the target to
smithereens with a collective suicide bomb as soon as they opened the door.”
Professor Backwind has also revealed that he is launching an urgent review into
the sale of traditional Christmas puddings, amidst fears that they could be used
to conceal bombs, and has set up a working group to assess the probability of
terrorists poisoning the population by smearing their own lips with ricin and
then standing under the mistletoe at office Christmas parties, passing on the
deadly toxin to unsuspecting workers by kissing them. “I know that this might
all sound highly ludicrous,” he says. “But the fact is that we have to
constantly be on our guard against these fiends and try to get inside their
minds and out guess their next move. The fact is that if we can think of
committing atrocities through such bizarre means, then so can they!” However,
the last word on Christmas terror belongs to the `Tinsel Terrorist’ himself, in
a newly posted You Tube video, El Luny has announced his plans to strike at the
heart of Britain’s festive celebrations. “We will infiltrate you turkey farms
and indoctrinate these birds to the cause of Allah,” he says from inside his
turkey suit. “They will become suicide bombers, ready to explode in your infidel
ovens on your day of decadent family celebrations!” Backwind is in no doubt as
to the seriousness of this latest threat: “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it
again – the man’s an evil genius!” [i]

[Alguns terroristas estão fabricando mísseis para lançar contra árvores de natal
cristãs, estão recrutando homens-bomba pra se explodirem contra corais
religiosos na data considerada sagrada do fim de ano.]


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